sighs and musings

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July 15, 2026

21:01 Wednesday
krakow, poland

Mauris porta ex id nisl eleifend blandit a eu ex. Praesent nunc massa, lorem sed finibus ac, vehicula eget diam. Sed faucibus feugiat neque eget amet interdum. Nunc at tortor eget purus faucibus tempor. Donec sagittis suscipit porta. Duis mollis orci non erat convallis fringilla. Mauris porta ex sed nisl eleifend magna nisl et magna feugiat neque eget interdum. Nunc at tortor eget purus faucibus tempor. Donec sagittis suscipit porta. Duis mollis orci non erat convallis fringilla sed interdum.Duis mollis orci non erat convallis fringilla. Mauris porta ex id nisl eleifend blandit a eu ex. Praesent nunc massa, pellentesque sed finibus ac, vehicula eget diam. Sed faucibus feugiat neque eget interdum. Nunc at tortor eget purus faucibus sagittis suscipit porta.

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August 9, 2026

18:41 Sunday
Manila, Philippines

Finally feeling like myself again a week and a half after returning home from an unexpected odyssey in Eastern Europe. That truly knocked me off my feet and I started noticing my thoughts turn dark, becoming mistrusting of the world, assuming that kindness has significantly diminished - especially towards me. Which, now that I write it down, feels not only pessimistic, but quite egotistic too. Of course if I got this insight earlier on and used it to reprimand myself, I'd be even more indignant, angry, and exhausted. I needed to have my emotions feel safe enough to be felt and expressed without further judgment. So here we are, undergoing a longer mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual recovery than expected. Fending off the thought that I'm "wasting my time," and recognizing that moving forward without integration will only derail me further.Being human is so tough sometimes. And it feels even more difficult for someone who's highly sensitive and deeply moved by the waves of emotions. I don't know if I am starting to use this as an excuse or if it is a truth to simply accept.. but it helps to remember that this is how I was designed, and to be reminded that there's nothing wrong with that. There is nothing to fight against, mein liebling. You can relax and surrender - trusting that things are the way they are for a reason.I have to constantly observe my self-talk because, despite more than a decade of mindfulness meditation practice, I still fail spectacularly at self-compassion. How ironic.It feels the older I get, the harder I become on myself when it's usually the other way around for most people. I sense I have little to prove to the world.. yet there's a lot I still feel compelled to prove to myself, as if I'm yearning for my own approval.It's not ideal. Especially from a yoga teacher. And I know this will be posted publicly, as I have challenged myself to show up more authentically in the world, shedding my armor and allowing vulnerability to take its place. I feel some shame sharing this.. but also some humility that helps me root back to what is important -- connection.I intentionally brought out my hand-building materials yesterday so I can make something with clay today. I remember how much I enjoyed the first hand-building workshop I did years ago with my sister and niece. It was so fun making things with your hands, not knowing how they'd turn out, and just hoping that the outcome will match your dream for the project. during that time, I was pleasantly surprised at how my project turned out. I made an incense holder (quite huge, actually) with a lotus in a pond design and it came out beautifully, serving its purpose well. I felt proud about creating something useful and pleasant to look at.. but I haven't been able to recreate that since. Today was an attempt to do so but the 6-month old clay that I had was too hard to mold. I researched how to soften it and learned it will take a few days. So I had to put aside this project and pick up something else with my hands.Before leaving for my holiday, I started watercoloring again though the beautiful blending techniques are not something my hands or brain can recreate. Instead I used a paintbrush and my palette to pick up some simple calligraphy, writing lyrics, and painting moons. I allowed myself to do it without thinking or planning too much.. and my brain worked hard at making sense of what I was doing. So much so that I ended up having the idea to write down what I was ready to shed and open to manifest on this 8.8 portal.It was unexpectedly a really pleasant and purpose-filled Sunday.I realize I used "unexpected" earlier in this post too to describe a heavy experience.. and now the same word is describing a beautiful one. How very fitting to be reminded that things are as they are but their meanings change according to the lenses through which they're perceived.. or judged.I made room for creativity today, which nourished my recovering mind and body, but also allowed what was stuck or heavy to flow, helping to ease the burdens I've been holding on to for the last few months.This year has unfolded in quite a difficult and heavy way.. what with the war and cancelled plans.. and personal losses and pain. Some were intentional, others were the result of worldwide circumstances - that remind us we're all deeply connected.Life weaves through us in ways we sometimes are too busy to see or feel.. and yet it will always tug at us, awakening us, and reminding us that we're all in this together.

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Perspective changes

Last night was another struggle for sleep. The sandman sprinkled his dust on my eyes and I felt my eyeballs rolling up and my eyelids folding over them time and time again yet my brain stayed alert - hypervigilant, even - escaping from the constant beckoning of dreamland.This has been my pattern for the last week now: Every other day, I would lie awake in bed at night, constantly awoken by the slightest sounds - the rainfall tapping against my windows, the distant honk of the car or screech of the motorcycle from outside. My senses seemed to be bracing for something to happen - bad or good, I cannot determine. The sun would eventually slowly rise across the horizon, the darkness turns to light, and the struggle would be over. I would have lost the battle and the day would continue to go on without any care for whether I was able to sleep or not.And after a day of no, little, or very late sleep (sometimes I’d enter dreamland at 6:30AM and wake up at 12:30PM,) I’d be even more determined to catch up on my sleep debt. I’d take my sleeping pill (a dual purpose antihistamine, which is probably not what it was originally designed for) and get knocked out before 9PM, waking up the next day at my “usual” wake-up time of 7AM. And yet, the insomnia would visit again that evening, testing my patience and tolerance for things not going my way despite my meticulous planning.I worry about this unhealthy pattern that comes by once in a while and catches me off-guard. I’ve been very intentional at crafting my effective sleep rituals and yet there are just weeks where my brain/nervous system decides to rebel and fight the “new normal,” despite knowing I’m doing this for my health and well-being.Last night was another night of tossing and turning. I realized I wasn’t able to take my antihistamine early enough in the day for its sedative side effects to start taking effect in time for my sleep window. I still took it late but it only lulled me to sleep past 3AM.The hours-long struggle caused me to feel a bit anxious and desperate.. yet I kept to my promise of being kinder to myself, especially in moments of imperfection. Even though my sleep is precious to me, I forgive myself for having a few off days - I know this is just a phase and that it will pass as well. When, I am unsure, but one day, it surely will. I’ll be able to get back to the pattern that’s been healthy and restorative for me.I told myself last night, while I was journaling to overcome my growing frustration, that there is a reason for this too. Is it a highly activated nervous system that’s telling me I need to slow down more? (Though I feel if I slow down even more, I’d basically be living like a vegetable.) Is it a hormonal imbalance that’s telling me I’m entering my perimenopausal season? (Dear Lord, I hope not. I still want to bear a child.) Or could it be.. and hear me out.. could it be a strong psychic connection that’s calling out to me right now? It keeps me awake like a beacon beckoning to my soul - its signal disrupting my sleep as a way to warn me.. or prepare me for the coming of the love of my life - the season when a new chapter will finally blossom. I mean, wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t this bout of insomnia be definitely worth it? And is this what it means to “romanticize” your life? To make mundane struggles purposeful - to craft happy endings that we deserve and yearn for? I mean struggles are never pleasant but we push through for the relief and accomplishment of making it through.. for the unspoken promise of “better,” right?Whether true or not is probably not the point. But the strength in this is the shifting of perspective from powerlessness to meaningfulness. It is in the act of catching your defeatist self-talk that you can change gears and make an effort to direct the story to a more useful perspective. It is not bypassing the struggle. It is not pretending or ignoring. It is an act of power to be able to make this struggle yours.I don’t know. Is it naive? Probably. Probably not. It could definitely also be a desperate attempt to regain power. Could it be a misunderstanding of the dao - letting things be as they are? Perhaps. But we do what we can when we’re pushed to our edges and for the time that I crafted that storyline for myself, I felt happy and peaceful. It was easier to accept and more effective in letting my nervous system settle.